Things I Can't Do

Here’s a list of the things I cannot do but would like to improve on:

• Dirty Talk: The part of my brain that produces speech is not active while performing and enjoying acts of a sexual nature. I can maybe repeat after you or answer basic yes or no questions but not describing or coming up with scenarios or role play. Just doesn’t cum naturally to me.

• Reverse Cowgirl: I’ve only been able to achieve this once while standing up and the guy was sitting on a couch. It was hell on my knees so I will not be repeating that performance any time soon. On the bed, the angle is not right and my huge massive ass gets in the way. I don’t know if I need to be more flexible or what. Tips appreciated.

• Twerking: Now with such a large derriere you would think I could twerk. Well, that is NOT the case. The way that my booty is set up is that the fat cells are very densely packed together making my butt the opposite of jiggly. Some would say that’s a plus. Not for twerking, though. I have watched videos and gotten tips. Apparently, it’s all in the shaking of the ankles or in the winding of the waist. But whatever it is, I just can’t do it. YET. I will persevere!

• Sloppy Toppy: I have experienced the wonder of sloppy toppy second hand, I guess you could say, from several of my duo partners performing it. I don’t know what their saliva production glands look like but they must be beefy and on steroids because the amount of liquid coming out of their mouths is concerning to me. Now, I don’t know if I can improve on this. My saliva glands are like “you gon’ get what you gon’ get!”

• Cowgirl: Now this I can do. Some may say well. But there are women out there that can position themselves by squatting up and down. My knees can’t take that! Do you see how tremendous my ass is? She’s a heavy girl. Maybe I need to practice in the gym. Conditioning, that’s what I need.

There might be more to this list so to be continued…